Hey, do you have any brass knuckles?
Oscar (my dog) snores like a lumberjack. He's a lumberjackrussel! HA! I crack me up! (He's part Jack Russel Terrier)
I think llamas would look funny wearing glasses.
Did you get dead??
Dude. Seriously! Are you dead??
I think I just saw Dave Hester (from Storage Wars). Might have just been a guy with glasses in a YUUUUUUP hat. Or maybe just a black hat. Could've been a chick...
Will you ask Siri when Gangster Squad comes out on DVD? (He replied that she didn't know) Well, she's a dumb bitch. Will you tell Siri she's a dumb bitch?
Our freakin' DVD player is possessed by a swarm of pissed off bees!
That massage table (HydroMassage, at the gym) almost gave me an orgasm. It's like a million heated tiny furious fists pounding me in all the good spots!
Ummmm.... Maddie just yelled, from her bedroom, "Clean up on aisle 8!".
Right now, I would give, ahem *someone's* left ball for a cupcake.
"God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round and just laughed and laughed."
Insomnia threw a party at my last night. Invited were Black Lung, Snot McMucas, Head Ache, Throat Onfire, Sinus Pressure & the mucinex guys.
Insomnia is my houseguest. Again. AND, it has serious "teenage girl" attitude. I said welcome back. It rolled its eyes and said "whatevs".
I can't sleep. But in my neuroses, I am worried about whether I am disturbing Oscar (my dog) who is currently under the covers at my feet. Snoring.
I'm fairly certain my head is trying to murder me. My head can be such. an. asshole.
You know when you wake up to the sound of a bear trying to get in your house but then realize it's the dog snoring? Exactly.
Me (in the middle of the night): I just heard a noise
Him: What did it sound like?
Me: A scream.
Him: Did Maddie scream?
Him: Was it Oscar howling in his sleep?
Him: Were you dreaming?
Me: Maybe..... It was probably the *Snoopy-cabra that lives in the woods.
Him: Yes, honey. I'm sure that's what it was. The Snoopy-cabra.
Him: It could've been a bobcat.
Me: WTF??? We HAVE those?????
*Backstory on Snoopy-cabra: On another night I heard something outside our bedroom window. It sounded just like I imagine a Chupacabra would sound if it was being attacked by aliens and eaten by a sasquatch. After waking Terry up to investigate the noise, he bravely goes outside with a flashlight and a BB gun. In his underwear. He comes back in and says it was a dog. A frickin' BEAGLE was making that noise. I didn't know what a Beagle was so he said, "Ya know. Like Snoopy." Yes. Yes I am a dumbass.