Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The One In Which I Pack Up All Our Stuff And Haul It To.......


Yee haw, y'all. I'm gonna be a real cowgirl. Probably not, but I will have to adapt. It is official. Today, Terry accepted the Photographic Manager position that he flew out to interview for last week. We're moving to Houston.

Know anything about Houston? Lemme just tell ya.

1. It's hot. And nooooo not a dry heat either. Houston is only about 70 miles from the Gulf, so it's just as frickin' humid there as it is here.

2. Nothing but dirt and cowboys grow in Texas. I guess no garden next year.

3. It's the 4th largest city in all of the US. Which, I assume, means it's really, really crowded.

4. They have three bypasses. THREE.

5. Their highways are toll roads.

6.It is almost a thousand miles away from all that I know.

7. Drive time will be about 12 hours. That's practically a whole day. Yeah, I'm looking forward to spending 12 hours listening to Maddie ask "Are we there yet?".

8. (This one probably should have been on up the list, but it's not a list of priorities, people. Geez. Stop judging. I'm having a moment here.) Terry will be leaving to head out there at the end of the month. Which means.... I'll basically be a single parent. For almost three months. To a small, stubborn(er), teenaged attituded up me.

9. I don't know anyone in Texas. Except maybe George Bush. And I know Jenny (aka The Bloggess) lives somewhere in Texas. Maybe one of them will invite me over so I can know someone besides Terry and Maddie in the whole freaking state.

10. (This one is totally selfish and makes me a horrible person and generally crappy mom) When Maddie gets on my last nerve, and she will (probably before the end of the first week), I don't have any unsuspecting grandparents to pawn her off on.

Finally, after all that, just the logistics of the whole thing makes me want to hyperventilate and hide in a dark closet with my pillow. Living arrangements, car, school, utilities, familiarizing myself with the surroundings. That's one of the big ones. My sense of direction is..... we'll say "lacking". As in, lacking thereof. I purdy much a'int got nary'n. (I'm trying to learn the language. I may be terrified, but that's no reason to slack off...)

Plus, I don't know if the state can handle my awesomeness. Especially with the aforementioned people I know in the same state. I mean, really. I come fully equipped with quick wit, snark and general badassery.

Oh, OH! AND I don't even own a cowboy hat. Or cowboy boots, for that matter. Ooooooohhhhh.... maybe this means I can go buy some! I haven't been shoe shopping in ages. Well, unless you count getting Maddie's school shoes, and since I didn't get anything I totally do NOT count it.

Seriously, though. I feel like the night before school starts. I wonder if I will make any friends. I wonder if they'll like me. I worry that Maddie will hate the new school we put her in. I worry if they'll be mean to her. What if we get out there and something happens? We can't just hop in the car and come back "home". And we damn sure don't have the cash to spend on plane tickets. I know I'm probably over analyzing everything, but I have OCD and I am strongly anti-change.

Ohmigod, y'all. I just realized something. Houston isn't far from the gulf. Where there are sharks. Texas is in tornado alley. Where there are tornadoes.

Get where I'm going with that?? Just my luck and we'll get a mother honkin' SHARKNADO! Which might be entertaining, as long as I stay inside.

For real, though. As much whining, bitching and moaning I've done, and the lots more that I still have to do before we leave, I have absolute faith in my husband. I know deep down this is what he needs and what is best for our family. Everything has fallen into place too easily for this not to be thIe right thing.

So. It won't be too long before I will be an official Houstonite. Wait. Houstonian? Houstoner? Whatever. I'm sure they'll let me know when they initiate me into the state.

P.S. Keep this on the down low, 'kay? We haven't told Maddie yet. Or most of our family. So, shhhhhhhhhh.

P.P.S. Just so you'll know how neurotic I am....

*When this move was initially proposed, I did what anyone would do. I Googled Houston. One of the sites had stats and stuff (read: boring, so I didn't read it) and one thing it mentioned was that Houston was in Harris County. My mind frantically started thinking of where I had heard that. Oh. My. God. That's where Leatherface is from!! Ho-ly crap! We're gonna move there and be murdered in our sleep. So I Google mapped and realized Leatherface lives in TRAVIS County. Whew. What a relief! Oh, but wait. NOW I remember when I've heard Harris County before. They film "The First 48" in Harris County Texas. For those of you who don't know what "The First 48" is, well, it's a real-life-follow-detectives-around-to-try-to-catch-murderes TV show on A&E.

Well, hell. Looks like we'll be murdered after all.


Monday, September 2, 2013

It's Only Day 8 And I'm *Already* Feeling Stabby

By now you must know that I've returned to college life. If you do not know this, go here.

So, it is now a whopping 8 days into the semester and I'm ready to scream. The word I am about to throw down has been known to cause riots. It is a horrible, horrible word. This word strikes revulsion in the hearts of millions. Well, maybe thousands. Ok, ok. Just me. It strikes revulsion in me. The word is.......


Even now I'm cringing. It makes my eye tic, my palms sweat. I get the distinct feeling of wanting to gouge my own eyeballs out with a spork. Saying it out loud makes me throw up in my mouth a little. It has become the new bane of my existence. I have never, never despised a class so thoroughly since my 9th grade Honors English class. And then it wasn't the class (I love English and have petitioned for a paid position on the Grammar Police squad. Still waiting for my acceptance letter...) so much as it was the hag who called herself a teacher. Lemme break it down for you.

I am not a social butterfly. I do not have many relationships. I don't flit from friend to friend, go to the mall just to hang out (or for anything, really), and I'm not attached permanently to my cell phone. My dance card is never full.

My idea of a perfect day/week/vacation is me, alone, with a few good books. And cheesecake.

 I am, however, a concrete thinker. I believe in a black-and-white system for almost everything. To me, there are very few instances where the possibility of grey even comes into play.

Yeahhhhh..... Ummmm... Attention dumb-ass me: Sociology is an abstract concept. Aaaaaaand? It's the freaking abstract study of PEOPLE. You know, people. Those annoying things that you don't like (and barely tolerate). Messy, loud, obnoxious, demanding, opinionated, rednecky, shitty driving people. Massive, hoard-y amounts of the public. It basically is my worst academic nightmare in the form of a rather innocuous looking book.

It totally doesn't *seem* like it could incite homicide....

I have to, somehow, get through reading 13 more chapters, do chapter quizzes for each one, 4 unit tests, a video reaction paper (the hell?), and some sort of essay. OH! And since the course is online, in lieu of physically attending class, I have to participate in discussions. I figure they are like message boards. Doesn't sound so bad, right? <insert annoying buzzer sound here> WRONG!

There are 4 mandatory discussions; one for each of the units. The instructor poses a couple of questions and/or topics that you have to demonstrate your grasp of. Also, you have to read everyone else's rhetoric. Not just read, but comment on two of them on two different days. I looked ahead to see what the topics were gonna be.

Oh. Em. Gee. Y'all. Every one is how society affects this, and expound on such-and-such theory. Every. Single. One. I mean, theories, for crying out loud. THEORIES! They are just one step removed from guesses!! Guesses, people! How much more abstract can you get?

Anyway, I just took a break from pulling my hair out to write this. I guess I better get back to it... before I decide to chuck the book out in the yard. I better tell Terry to make sure we don't have any sporks handy.....