Monday, July 29, 2013

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho. It's Back To School I Go

Here is where my brain is reenacting the opening-ish scene from Grease 2. You know, the "Back To School Again" song and dance number.

What "back to school" looks like in my head

What "back to school" means in reality

So, in case you haven't guessed (honestly, people, I don't know how I could have made it any easier for you...) by now, I have enrolled for classes in the Fall. And by "Fall" I mean 3 weeks from now. And yes, classes plural. I am now enrolled in 3 classes for a total of 9 credit hours this semester.

I started seriously considering the whole school thing a couple of months ago. I began thinking that since it's evident that since I'm not going to be a kept woman I should find something I want to do. No easy feat, that. I don't want to do much of anything, Unless, of course, I could get paid sleeping late and reading. Or being a student. I would totally just take classes on everything if I could make that my job. Sadly, no one is beating down my door to offer me gobs of cash for doing things I love. So, if doing what I want is out, the next best thing is doing something I'm interested in. For me, it's the macabre.

There. I said it. I love morbid stuff. Dead people? Awesome. Crime scenes? The gorier the better. So, dear reader(s), I am pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice so I can gawk (legally) at crime scenes and poke at dead people (again, legally).

Right now, adding up the classes I took *cough* 13 years ago (and they do count), I only need 23 hours, I think. If my calculations are correct, and I hope to all that's holy they are, I could maybe, possibly, potentially graduate with my Associates in the Spring. Yep. Just 2 short semesters and I will have my piddly-ass Associates degree. Then, with luck, gray hair and time (oh, and lots of money), I will transfer into the Bacheleor program to finish up. I was a lot closer that I thought I was. Of course, all the minutia of daily living for 13 years kinda hampers the recollection of trifling matters like college degrees.

You may be asking yourself, "Well, smartypants, what classes are you going to take?". Honestly, I'm super glad you asked. Since I registered kinda late in the game I didn't have much of an option. Luckily, though, all 3 of the classes I'm taking are online. I can go to class in my pajamas. Without makeup. Naked. (I totally wouldn't go to class naked. Probably.)

Anyway... The 3 lucky recipients of my time are: Intro to Sociology, Intro to Criminal Justice, and Intro to Law Enforcement. All that I need is a math, my 2nd Environmental Science, Intro to the Legal Process, and Intro to Corrections.

So there you have it. My short term goal to complete my Associates. I seriously hope I can handle passing 3 classes. Especially since we have been without the internet at home for almost a year. I guess my in-laws will be seeing a LOT more of me....

*Photo credit for both images:

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Wish I Had A Good Excuse.....

I've been MIA for a couple of weeks. I wish I could say it was because I was volunteering at a soup kitchen or rocking baby orphans, but alas, I can not. In truth, I've just been kinda lazy. Also, Candy Crush is Satan's whore mistress and I've been her bitch. I swore, swore, that I wasn't going to get started on that. Well, as they say about good intentions... I figured out how they suck you in. So, you're stuck on a level. For like, a week. You spend your 5 lives trying to beat it. You get friends to send you more lives to try and beat it. Sadly, you can't beat it. You think to yourself, "Ok. I'm gonna give this one more go. If I don't beat this <bleeping> level (63, anyone? Or 79??) this time, I'm done with this stupid ass game." And so, the Candy Crush gods hear your epithet and grant you access to the next level.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

But, oh, how satisfying is it to pass a level in one try? Or to beat one of your friends' score? Or even better,  to pass one of your friends on a level? C'mon... You know you are all smug thinking, "Well, gosh. That level wasn't that hard. Tee hee. Joe Schmo is just a lousy player if he can't beat level 327 by now!"

Anyway.... that's where I've been. I promise to not be so sporadic in the futu... Gotta go. My lives are renewed.

Friday, July 12, 2013

But Wait! There's More!!!!

We all know those annoying infomercials. The ones hawking dumb ass products for 2 easy payments of $9.99. Things like:

Because who wouldn't want a donut on the back of their head?!

For all your pervy viewing needs.

Just because you put an "E" on the end of OLD
doesn't actually make it old.

For those who can't keep a real bird alive.

Yeah... Before this was created I just used the vacuum cleaner.

There are some stupid ass things out there. Granted, there are some pretty cool things, too. Maddie wants this and can recite the commercial (and thus all the reasons why she just has to have one) verbatim:

And this is actually on my wish list:

Goodbye, shaving!!
But between all the Snuggies and Pillow Pets (yeah, *that* was a great investment), I have run across a few things that are.... shall we say "wackadoodle". These things are beyond my comprehension. They are actual products. Someone pitched these ideas to someone who had more money than sense. Those bizarre-o ideas became tangible products where you, the highly discriminating consumer, can purchase and own one of your very own. Prepare to be stunned...

1. FUNDIES               

Photo courtesy of

     For around $10 you, too, can ensure a night of romance. Nothing says "togetherness" like two grown ass people crammed crotch-to-crotch in a pair of tighty whiteys.


Photo courtesy of

Bra strap showing? Use the Bra Back Clip.
Embarrassing panty line? Wear Spanx or a thong.
Ohmigod! I have a CAMEL TOE and no one told me??!! Well, now there's a product for that. One word: EWWWWW.


Photo courtesy of

This is a real thing, y'all. It started, I think, in China as an anti-pervert device for women and girls. Personally, I think it would work wonderfully. Unless, of course, the pervert is in to monkeys. Or the burly lumberjack look. Then you're screwed.

*All "infomercial" products' photos are courtesy of

cuchini and hair leggings and fundies

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Does Two On-Air Appearances Make You A Radio Personality? I Say YES!

Okay. So I wrote about my invitation to talk to Jason Walker @ Hits 96 Radio about his non-use of Twitter. Well, little did I know that he actually wanted it to become a thing. Like every week or two. Huh. I must not have made that big of ass out of myself after all. Next thing you know, they will want to hire me for a gazillion dollars and give me free tickets to every concert in a 100 mile radius. (Well, the good concerts, anyway.) Why, I'm practically a permanent personality! (Heavy sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.) But I'm rambling. Again. So last Tuesday I went in to discuss his new status as Official Twitter-er. I also took the hubs and kid. I let him know that I updated his profile, made his page look pretty and gave him his new stats. He was only up a few followers, but while on air he begged and pleaded with the listeners to follow him to get me off his back. One actually did. Right then! That was pretty cool. Anyway, it didn't take nearly as long this time, but it was still a blast. He even had a name for it: Tabitha Twitter Tuesday. Which I am absolutely positive will totally never catch on. So, for your viewing and listening pleasure, I present my very second visit to the radio station in pictures and an audio clip. Enjoy!

P.S. I know I sound like a total goober, and I'm trying to be okay with that.

P.P.S. The pictures aren't great because Maddie, the budding photographer, screwed with the settings on the camera. You get the idea, though.

P.P.P.S. I didn't realize how chunky I've gotten until I saw my heifer self in all my glory... I'm definitely NOT okay with that!

I'm sure I was saying something funny and charming....

Not sure what kind of pose I was striking, but it's RADIO, people. Not TV.

One of the only times I can remember where my kid was impressed with me.
(Usually it's Daddy.)

Maddie, Me, and the Radio God himself, Jason Walker

Tabitha Twitter Tuesday # 1

Down On The Farm

 Old McCrow had a farm. E - I -E - I - O. And on that farm she had a.....

Bunch of vegetables. (Even though they are super-fast growing ones.)  I know, not quite as captivating as a mooing cow or quacking duck. I haven't posted anything about my garden in a while, so here's some new pictures. Of course, they were taken about 2 weeks ago, so everything is much bigger. Also, I've been able to get several large squash and zucchini (is the plural "squashes" and "zucchinis"? That looks/sounds funny...) and a few cucumbers. I ended up with about 15 hot pepper plants and no bell peppers, so anyone like hot peppers???



Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Little Bunny Foo Foo Dichotomy

The other day I was just sitting in my recliner, playing on the computer, and minding my own business. When, out of the corner of my eye, I see a fat little mouse/chipmunk/whatever mosey across my kitchen floor. Yep. Mosey. Not scurry, scamper nor run. It took its ever-loving sweet time. Well, since I am vehemently opposed to all creatures in my house, save my Oscar, I immediately hopped up and drove to the store and purchased a mouse-catching hotel. It's way easier and cleaner than a traditional trap.

Mice Motel. Free breakfast and HBO.
No fuss, no muss. Just bait it, set it and forget it. The best part? No fingers are harmed in the setting of this trap. Soooo.... Anyway, I buy this thing, go back home, bait it with peanut butter (?? I thought they loved cheese..) and scoot it to a dark corner of the kitchen. It sat there for days with nary a whisper. I started thinking that maybe I imagined the whole episode. Then I had a dream (possibly) that the same cute little mouse (or whatever) was standing on its hind legs walking around the kitchen while wearing a frilly blue apron.

Soooo..... to tie this in to Bunny Foo Foo.... The song goes:
"Little Bunny Foo Foo walking through the forest, scooping up field mice and boppin' 'em on the head..."

Sorta twisted, now that I think about it. Anyway, if BFF (Bunny Foo Foo, not best friends forever. Just in case you were confused.) were around, he could take care of my little mouse. He could just scoop him right up, bop him on the head, and they both could be on their merry little ways.

But noooooo. Instead of ridding my house of field mice, he and his cohorts think my garden is an all-you-can-eat-buffet. Those little rabbity shits are eating all the effing green beans in my garden. The cute little fluffy Thumpers, who I once thought A-dorable, are my worst freaking nemesis now. If I knew how to shoot a gun, I'd be sitting garden-side, lying in wait like Elmer Freakin' Fudd. Now, I normally don't want anything to do with hunting, or shooting, or critters in general. But these little shits are really starting to piss me off. I've had to replant the damn green beans three times. Three. Times. That is a honkin' lot of hoeing. (And  I'm waaaaay past my hoing days. See what I did there? Hoe/Ho? HAHAHA! I crack me up...)

Three times I've replanted the beans. After I tried three different methods to discourage the munching of the vegetables. First, I tried spreading hair around the outside edges. Then I went to spraying this noxious concoction of vinegar and cayenne pepper, which apparently only seasoned them for the thieves. Next, I went with scattering moth balls all throughout the plants. This only resulted in the whole garden smelling like grandma's attic. Finally, with nothing left to do, I had to put up a stinkin' fence. Now I have to hurdle over the damn thing just to weed the beans. (I have to hold my crotch while hurdling the fence because, yeah, it HURTS to be poked in the vag with chicken wire. Just FYI. You're welcome.)

So, to make a long story longer, I finally have beans growing. My garden looks like rednecks hopped up on meth decorated it, but I will have my green beans. The damn things better be worth it...

I Was On Safari... Or Abducted By Aliens... Or Maybe I Was Just Lazy

It's been a while since I've posted, almost two whole weeks. I know, I know. I'm a slacker. But I have a really good excu... Nope. Nevermind. I got nothing. I was on "vacation" all last week and didn't even get online. I had high hopes for vacation week, however Mother Nature was in league with the forces of darkness so it rained. Every day. All day. I didn't get any work done in the garden so I'm gonna have a ton to do when it dries out some. I didn't get any "spring" cleaning done, either. That was just because I was super lazy. I DID, however, watch a LOT of television and play games on the computer. I'm just proud no one at my house went to the hospital all week. Or jail. This is the first time all three of us have been together for a week straight in over a year. And we were *together*. In each other's business and up each other's butts for a WEEK straight! That's a lot of hours... Anyway, I've decided all that down time is not so good for me. If my life were a color these days it would be brown. I've just been kinda blech lately. I don't have any kind of motivation to do much of anything.

The point to this long, drawn out ramble is: This is not a "real" post. I have about 5 new ones in the works that will be coming this week. Some with pictures and even audio. (Gasp! I know, right?) So, stay tuned for (hopefully) better content.....