Monday, June 17, 2013

Warm Bodies Need A Safe Haven, Not A Broken City, To Call Mama

So last weekend, while the hubs was on a shoot in West Virgina, I had a movie marathon. Let me just say first that REDBOX IS AWESOME. Where else can you find 2 hours of -maybe- entertainment for just $1? One. Dollar. Nowhere, that's where. Anyway... So I go to Redbox and peruse the selection. Lo and behold, all of the new releases are in! Yay me! My taste in films runs the gamut. I don't really have a "type"... well, unless it's horror. Or action. I had heard Warm Bodies was good so I got it. I also got the Nicholas Sparks Safe Haven (even though in most of his movies someone dies), Broken City with hunkalicious Marky Mark, and the "scary" movie Mama. Here is my synopsis and critique of the above.

Warm Bodies:  4 out of 5 brains
     Recap: This was not a typical zombie flick. The story follows "R" (the dead don't remember their names) and his pack of airport dwelling flesh-eaters. Apparently if you eat someone's brain, you get their memories. There is a city of survivors and a gang of them go out scavenging for supplies. Pack of zombies descend upon human scavengers. Chaos ensues. "R" sees the girl and has some sort of epiphany. He keeps her safe and returns her to the city. Along the way he gets a little more human and falls in love with her. Other stuff happens. Zombies die. (Can the dead die? We'll save that existential dilemma for another time.) Humans die. Father/daughter relationships grow. Humans and zombies unite to fight a common enemy. Happy times for all. The End.
     Pros: I love zombies. I mean really love them.    
     Cons: John Malkovich, bony zombies that look like the ones from I Am Legend, hoarder zombies.


Safe Haven:    3 out of 5 Nicholas Sparks books
     Recap: Miss Ex-Ryan Seacrest leaves her abusive man. He's a cop. Full stage-5 clinging ensues. He uses all of his cop powers to find her so he can drag her back home. She hops a bus and decides to stay in this piss ant tiny beach town. Enter the sexy and sad widower. She makes nice with his kids then worms in to his life. Sexual tension, secrets and stalking. She gets to be a heroine, "find" herself and fall in love.
     Pros: Two words. Josh Duhamel. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm! He'll never win an Oscar, but he's so pretty he really doesn't have to "act". ;)
     Cons: It's a pretty typical story. It reminded me a lot of Sleeping With The Enemy except she didn't fake her own death. It's worth watching, especially if you are reallllllly into chick flicks. Even if you're not, it's worth seeing a shirtless Josh Duhamel.


Broken City:    2 out of 5 Criminals
     Recap:  Marky Mark is a cop who has to resign due to a sketchy shoot-out that leaves a thug dead. Now he's a PI. Sketchy mayor hires him to get proof of spousal infidelity. Russel Crowe is the shady mayor. In my opinion, he hasn't done anything really good since Gladiator. Anyway, two hours of backdoor double crossing and trying to find out who is actually the bad guy (really they are all kinda douchey) later, it goes off.
     Pros: Marky Mark Wahlberg. 'Nuff said.
     Cons: It's slow. And dark. And predictable. It tries to be a John Grisham, but just isn't.


Mama:   4 out of 5 Creeptacular Kids
     Recap: Two young girls (8 and 2 I think) are left in a decrepit cabin deep in the woods. Five years later they are found and returned to their uncle and his rocker girlfriend. The kids are basically rabid, feral cat-like creatures who grunt and shriek instead of talk.(The older one is able to adjust quicker because she remembers her old life.) No one can believe they survived. Turns out this crazy lady escaped from the local loony bin a hundred years ago and her whacked-out ghost has been watching over the girls. Well, when the girls go live with the uncle, Mama isn't happy. And you know what they say.... "When Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy". Least of all the rocker chick who never wanted kids to begin with. Weird shit happens and that youngest kid? CREEEEEE-PY! She pops up all ninja-like, scampers like a jacked up dog, and giggles at the walls. It's apparent something otherworldly is going on. They just have to figure out how to get rid of a  whack-a-doodle ghost with murderous tendencies.
     Pros: I love, Love, LOVE being creeped out. That littlest kid? Nightmares, I tell ya. Also, there is a surprise twist at the end.
     Cons: Some slow moving in the beginning. Plus, not nearly enough people getting slaughtered.


So, there ya have it. I may or may not review any other movies I've seen. Depends on if I'm coming up blank for a post. I mean.... Depends on... ahhh, whatever. I can't think of a legitimate reason.


  1. I haven't seen Warm Bodies yet. But, I was a bit miffed when I heard what it was about. I'm scared Hollywood will ruin zombies just like they did with the glittery vampires..

    I'll give it a whirl one day. After lots of alcohol!



  2. Sexy zombies? Give me nasty brain eaters any day.
    I just couldn't let Valerie be the only one who comments here. I just couldn't.

    1. I dig the way you roll, Penwasser!! One day, we are gonna arm wrestle.