Monday, September 28, 2015

I Refuse To Feel Guilty For This One Thing

I have been timid about what I post on here. I'm afraid I may offend someone with something I say about, well, anything. I'm afraid people will be insulted by my language. Well, guess what? I give no more shits about what people think. I post these entries for me. Me alone. I don't know if anyone reads these. Maybe nobody, maybe three people, maybe eleven bajillionty. From now own, I will not feel guilty about anything I say on here. This is for ME. I have to get this shit outta my head or it will drive me insane(r).

I have bipolar. I'm not going to capitalize it because that just gives it more importance. Notice I said I have bipolar, not I am bipolar. I have the shittiest kind because I don't even get the manic episodes. I bet I could get some shit DONE on a mania bend. But alas, I just have the depressive one. I also have anxiety, severe depression, and ADD (I had to capitalize that one or you'd think I was speaking mathematically). Oh, and to top it off, I'm an addict. In recovery, but still an addict. None of this shit is curable. Manageable with medication, but never curable.

So, what does all this mean? Well, for starters I'm on a shit-ton of medications, some of which actually work. Others, though, are not doing their jobs and I am firing their asses as soon as I get back into my shrink's office. I understand that not all meds and med combinations work for everyone. It sucks, but I get it. The goal is to find the right pharmaceutical cocktail that works the best for me.

I was seeing a therapist, but since I lost my job (long story) I can't afford to anymore. There are some interns that will see me for free and I am waiting on a callback with an appointment. I have also been going to some support groups, mainly DBSA (depression/bipolar support alliance). Those are always free. Sometimes they help, just being around people who are/have been/will be where I'm at. Sometimes you get some seriously fucked up individuals there. I'm not in a position to judge, but in my unprofessional opinion some of these people need to be locked up on a Thorazine drip. Just sayin'.

I have terrible insomnia when I'm feeling okay and I could sleep for days when I'm not doing so well. Lately it's been a whacked combination of the two. Ever since my birthday a week and a half ago, I've been teetering on the edge of The Black. I had a bright spot this past Friday when I got to meet my hero Jenny Lawson who is just as whackadoodle as I am. She is able to put a humorous spin on all the terrible mental illness-y things. She makes me laugh when I want to cry. Anyway, so Friday was pretty good. Saturday morning, though, is another story. I could feel myself slipping away. Yesterday was worse. Today has been like yesterday.

I feel like I want to burst into tears every minute. I don't know why I'm so sad, but I am. I can look at all the things I should be grateful for and I can't see anything beyond myself. It's like I'm standing in a vortex of hell watching life pass me by at warp speed. The worst part is I don't think anyone can see me. I'm screaming in my head, but no one hears me. It's like being paralyzed, only you are aware of everything and you hurt all the way down to your soul.

I know that I'm going to have bad days. Bad weeks, even. I also know, logically, this will end eventually and I will start to see the light again. But right now, this moment, I'm in a dark box and I'm suffocating. Sometimes the universe just can't help but cunt punt you while you're down. The universe is a catty bitch. I try to deflect some of the pain with humor, but really my sarcasm is a defense mechanism. It's one I'm really good at, though.

Okay, so the point of this asinine ramble is this: I'm generally selfish by nature but usually feel guilty about it. Well, for this one thing, these entries I'm sending out into the bitchy universe, I'm going to say what I want and not feel guilty about it. If there is anyone out there who hears me and is offended, you don't have to read this. You can go find a blog about rainbows and kittens riding unicorns. This is not one of those blogs. Here you will find mostly dark and sarcastic posts and cursing.

I'm taking this thing, this one tiny little thing, and making it mine. Mine all mine. The universe can suck it.

1 comment:

  1. You most definitely should be doing this for you. You write whatever you need to write. We shall love you anyways.