Friday, September 25, 2015

I Refuse To Be Defined By My Disease(s)... Anymore

When people are sick, we say they HAVE cancer, or they HAVE the flu. It's absurd to say they ARE cancer/the flu/a broken leg. This is not the case for those of us who struggle with addiction and/or mental illness.

I am Bipolar.
I am ADD.
I am anxiety.
I am depression.
I am OCD.
I am addictions.


I may HAVE all of these things broken inside of me, but I am NOT these things. I refuse to BE these things anymore. They are lifelong afflictions. They cannot be cured. They effect every aspect of my life. Not just my life, but the lives of those who live with me and love me. Some love me in spite of these afflictions and some love me because of them.

I appreciate the love and support I get from my husband, daughter, and mother. They are my biggest cheerleaders and champions. I get support and encouragement from others in my family, but those are the three biggest. I've seen how dealing with me and my diseases have affected them. I've seen the worry in my husband's eyes when he knows I'm having a bad day. I've felt, from a thousand miles away, the concern from my mom when I'm not having a good day. Those closest to me can tell.

I haven't spiraled downward in a few months so my husband feels like he's walking on eggshells just waiting for The Black to descend. Honestly, I'm always afraid that it will, too.

Although I have those who love me and support me tremendously, they can never know what it feels like inside my head. Sometimes I think my skin is too tight and I'm just going to burst into nothingness. There are times, especially at night, when my brain is so busy that I can't go to sleep until it's almost time to get up. Some days just getting out of bed is giving it my all. And then there are those most dreaded days of the numbness. Nothing matters, nothing is worth doing, what's the point because it's all going to be the same another day. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not for a week, or a month, or a year. There is only nothingness inside of me, but every part of me hurts. These are the days I dread the most.

I often wonder if Terry and Maddie would be better off without me. He is so good and generous and handsome. He could totally find a non-broken wife. And Maddie is outgoing, and smart and wonderful and NOT broken. I feel like I'm going to be the one to break her. Words cannot express how anxious and terrified I am that she will end up like me. Broken on the inside. Feeling like a fraud all the time. Worrying CONSTANTLY if I'm going to relapse, either with the major depression or with the addiction. I'm so exhausted from having to be on guard all. the. time.

Meds are helping. I'm on mood stabilizing, anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medications.But I often worry if it's enough. What will be enough? Will anything ever be enough? I just don't know.

What I do know is that I don't want to harm myself, or run away, or take drugs. Today. I can't worry about anything except for today because I become so overwhelmed that I just want to hide under a table. And nobody likes to hide under tables. It's very uncomfortable and there are dust bunnies that want to chew my toes off.

So. What does all of this mean? Beats the shit outta me, but I figure if all of this is out there in the universe it's NOT rattling around in my already crowded to capacity brain.

am  have Bipolar.
I am  have ADD.
I am  have anxiety.
I am  have depression.
I am  have OCD.
I am  have addictions.

Suck it, labels!

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