Sunday, March 23, 2014

Who Moved My Bliss?

Conversation I had with myself at 3:20 this morning:

Wow. How did I end up like this? I have no passion. For anything. I can't recall that I ever did. I wish... I don't know what I wish. I remember when I was about eight years old. That was the one and only time I ever saw a shooting star. I can't remember what I wished for, but I do remember squeezing my eyes shut tight and wishing with all the power of my eight year old self possessed. I can't ever remember being passionate about anything, even as a child. I was born middle aged. I had toys, sure, but I didn't play with them. I just organized shit. Sorted and labeled and bagged it all up. Why am I so.... lukewarm? I watch shows like The Voice or America's Got Talent and see these kids, basically, that just know what they want to do. Hell, I'm looking down the barrel of 40 and I have no flippin' clue what I want to be when I grow up. I really don't want to grow up. I am jealous of those who go their whole life pursuing one goal, one dream, one passion. What is my passion? How does one go about finding their passion? Seriously. How do I find that? I've had interests, sure. Hobbies, even. But a passion? A dream? A personal "bliss"? Nope. Nada. This realization kinda makes me sad. If I could go back and talk to my eight year old self, I don't even know what I would say to her. "Sorry, but you're gonna flounder through life. Good luck with that." Somehow, I don't think that would work out too well. So, am I in the minority? Do most people have passion about something and I am just more out of whack than I originally thought? Or am I like the majority and there are fewer people that just know what they want out of life? I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I had made different choices in life. I know everyone does the "what-if" game and it really serves no purpose, really. Even doing the "what-if" game, I can't figure out where I would be or what I would be doing.

Looking back now, I may have told my eight-year old self to play more. Just be a kid and stop worrying about EVERYthing. Or I might have told her to invest in Apple and don't worry about it. Oh, well. "What-if"s aren't going to get the dishes washed.....

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