There I Was, Just Minding My Own Business.....

...having my dreams of Adam Levine and peanut butter PopTarts, when BAM! Out of the blue <insert horribly disgusting sounds of kid barfing>. I know there is nothing I love more than being woken from a dead sleep to puke in my bed. Except maybe going around again on the vomit comet 30 minutes later after the sheets have been changed and everyone settled back down. So, yeah. Starting off the day at 4 a.m. to a sick kid isn't great. But you know what's even less great? Starting off the day before school starts with vomit. We are supposed to go register for 1st grade and meet her teacher at 4 p.m. today. I seriously hope she's feeling better by then.

OH! And THEN you know what happened? An hour or so after the last visit from "The Exorcist" (ya know. The whole projectile vomiting thing? Anyway..) guess who else starts to feel a rumbly in their tummy? If you said me, then you're right. You win eleventy bajillion dollars. The check's in the mail...

So, here I am. Five-o-freakin'-clock in the morning. My last day to "sleep in" until 7 a.m. and I've been up almost 2 hours already. Maddie is settled in snugly beside her daddy sound asleep. And me? Well, the tummy is still rumbly and there are some urgent issues there, but no vomit.

Yet.

An OMG-Life-Revelations Moment Due To A Kid-Free Weekend

Last weekend the hubs had to shoot pictures in Memphis. Since he was going to have to leave before I got home from work ,we let Maddie stay Thursday night with my mom. I picked her up after work on Friday. I then had the brilliant idea to go see my grandmother and then take my 14 year old twin boys out to eat. Maddie stayed with Grandmother while the guys and I went and ate Mexican. Afterward, I hung out at Grandmother's house for about an hour. I was gathering up my stuff (and Maddie's stuff that she has a tendency to leave in a trail all over the house) getting ready to head back home when Maddie asked if she could stay the night with Grandmother. Ummm..... Hellz yeah! Terry out of town and Maddie with Grandmother?! Party time, suckas! Me....home alone....with only the dog (who sleeps like all. the. time.) for a whole night?? Sign me up. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. So around 9:30 Friday night I headed home. Alone. Just me. I was able to roll down all the windows and jack up the tunes for the first time in.... I don't even know how long. I was essentially footloose and fancy free for a whole night. What to do, what to do... I couldn't think of a damn thing so I just went home. BUT, I was able to watch a whole movie without having to pause it to get her something to eat. Or something to drink. Or watch while she did an interpretive dance of the butterfly. Or whatever. Did you hear that?! I didn't have to get up One. Single. Time. I plopped my ever-widening ass down in my recliner and I veg-ed. I watched some TV, played on the computer, and basically had myself a really good "me" time. The next time I looked up, it was 5 in the morning. Yup. I had stayed up all night doing my thang.

Surprisingly, I wasn't tired at all so I got some other stuff done Saturday morning and afternoon. When I called to find out what time I should go get Maddie, she informed me she was staying another night. WHAT?! I thought I must be delirious from lack of shut-eye, but no, I heard correctly. My brain was going, "WTF? Two whole days with no husband and no kid?? S.C.O.R.E!". (Yeah, I know, my brain's kind of a selfish bitch.) So with nothing on my to-do list and nowhere I had to be, I proceeded to have another 24 hours of "me" time. Really it was the same tune, just a different verse. More TV, movies on Netflix and gaming on the computer. I didn't even get out of my pajamas all day Saturday!! I was completely and utterly self indulgent. The best part? I didn't even feel guilty about it. (Ok, ok. I *may* have felt a smidgen of guilt. But I squashed it like a bug.)

What, you may be asking, were my big life revelations? Well, let me tell you.

     1. My ass is too heavy and my bones too old to sit/lay in a recliner for 36 hours straight.

     2. I eat like a teenager when there isn't anyone else here for me to feed. (For breakfast Saturday morning, I ate a s'more. A graham cracker, a little Hershey bar and a microwaved marshmallow. It was yummy!)

     3. Facebook games (ie: Candy Crush, Farm Heroes Saga, Papa Pear, etc.) will suck you in. Seriously. I really believe they are rigged so that you lose a couple of lives but then you win and move on until your lives replenish. I may or may not have played Candy Crush for more than 2 hours. Straight.



So after a purely decadent weekend, Sunday dawned. I took a (much needed) shower, put on makeup and got dressed. An added bonus of having Maddie stay with Grandmother is that she (Grandmother, not Maddie) cooks a huge meal on Sunday afternoons. I had a wonderful lunch to top off my grand alone-but-not-lonely weekend. After a round of hugs and goodbyes I finally wrangled her (Maddie, not Grandmother) and all her junk to the car. I thought for sure we'd have a really good day since we hadn't been in each others' pockets and on each others' nerves all weekend. Well, I was wrong. Not just wrong, but WRONG. She apparently became possessed by the grouchiest of demons while she was away. Geez she was hateful. At one point Sunday evening I had to send her to her room to keep from killing her. After a peaceful and quiet couple of days boy was I ever paying for it now.

Was it worth it? I wondered to myself. Yep, because she was so tired from playing all weekend that she was in bed by 9:00. And, of course, I wasn't too far behind her considering the last time I slept was a fitful 4 hours Thursday night.

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho. It's Back To School I Go

Here is where my brain is reenacting the opening-ish scene from Grease 2. You know, the "Back To School Again" song and dance number.

What "back to school" looks like in my head

What "back to school" means in reality

So, in case you haven't guessed (honestly, people, I don't know how I could have made it any easier for you...) by now, I have enrolled for classes in the Fall. And by "Fall" I mean 3 weeks from now. And yes, classes plural. I am now enrolled in 3 classes for a total of 9 credit hours this semester.

I started seriously considering the whole school thing a couple of months ago. I began thinking that since it's evident that since I'm not going to be a kept woman I should find something I want to do. No easy feat, that. I don't want to do much of anything, Unless, of course, I could get paid sleeping late and reading. Or being a student. I would totally just take classes on everything if I could make that my job. Sadly, no one is beating down my door to offer me gobs of cash for doing things I love. So, if doing what I want is out, the next best thing is doing something I'm interested in. For me, it's the macabre.

There. I said it. I love morbid stuff. Dead people? Awesome. Crime scenes? The gorier the better. So, dear reader(s), I am pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice so I can gawk (legally) at crime scenes and poke at dead people (again, legally).

Right now, adding up the classes I took *cough* 13 years ago (and they do count), I only need 23 hours, I think. If my calculations are correct, and I hope to all that's holy they are, I could maybe, possibly, potentially graduate with my Associates in the Spring. Yep. Just 2 short semesters and I will have my piddly-ass Associates degree. Then, with luck, gray hair and time (oh, and lots of money), I will transfer into the Bacheleor program to finish up. I was a lot closer that I thought I was. Of course, all the minutia of daily living for 13 years kinda hampers the recollection of trifling matters like college degrees.

You may be asking yourself, "Well, smartypants, what classes are you going to take?". Honestly, I'm super glad you asked. Since I registered kinda late in the game I didn't have much of an option. Luckily, though, all 3 of the classes I'm taking are online. I can go to class in my pajamas. Without makeup. Naked. (I totally wouldn't go to class naked. Probably.)

Anyway... The 3 lucky recipients of my time are: Intro to Sociology, Intro to Criminal Justice, and Intro to Law Enforcement. All that I need is a math, my 2nd Environmental Science, Intro to the Legal Process, and Intro to Corrections.

So there you have it. My short term goal to complete my Associates. I seriously hope I can handle passing 3 classes. Especially since we have been without the internet at home for almost a year. I guess my in-laws will be seeing a LOT more of me....


*Photo credit for both images: Bing.com

I Wish I Had A Good Excuse.....

I've been MIA for a couple of weeks. I wish I could say it was because I was volunteering at a soup kitchen or rocking baby orphans, but alas, I can not. In truth, I've just been kinda lazy. Also, Candy Crush is Satan's whore mistress and I've been her bitch. I swore, swore, that I wasn't going to get started on that. Well, as they say about good intentions... I figured out how they suck you in. So, you're stuck on a level. For like, a week. You spend your 5 lives trying to beat it. You get friends to send you more lives to try and beat it. Sadly, you can't beat it. You think to yourself, "Ok. I'm gonna give this one more go. If I don't beat this <bleeping> level (63, anyone? Or 79??) this time, I'm done with this stupid ass game." And so, the Candy Crush gods hear your epithet and grant you access to the next level.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

But, oh, how satisfying is it to pass a level in one try? Or to beat one of your friends' score? Or even better,  to pass one of your friends on a level? C'mon... You know you are all smug thinking, "Well, gosh. That level wasn't that hard. Tee hee. Joe Schmo is just a lousy player if he can't beat level 327 by now!"

Anyway.... that's where I've been. I promise to not be so sporadic in the futu... Gotta go. My lives are renewed.

But Wait! There's More!!!!

We all know those annoying infomercials. The ones hawking dumb ass products for 2 easy payments of $9.99. Things like:

Because who wouldn't want a donut on the back of their head?!

For all your pervy viewing needs.

Just because you put an "E" on the end of OLD
doesn't actually make it old.

For those who can't keep a real bird alive.

Yeah... Before this was created I just used the vacuum cleaner.

There are some stupid ass things out there. Granted, there are some pretty cool things, too. Maddie wants this and can recite the commercial (and thus all the reasons why she just has to have one) verbatim:

And this is actually on my wish list:

Goodbye, shaving!!

But between all the Snuggies and Pillow Pets (yeah, *that* was a great investment), I have run across a few things that are.... shall we say "wackadoodle". These things are beyond my comprehension. They are actual products. Someone pitched these ideas to someone who had more money than sense. Those bizarre-o ideas became tangible products where you, the highly discriminating consumer, can purchase and own one of your very own. Prepare to be stunned...


1. FUNDIES               


Photo courtesy of Amazon.com

     For around $10 you, too, can ensure a night of romance. Nothing says "togetherness" like two grown ass people crammed crotch-to-crotch in a pair of tighty whiteys.

********************************************************************************

2. CUCHINI   

Photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Bra strap showing? Use the Bra Back Clip.
Embarrassing panty line? Wear Spanx or a thong.
Ohmigod! I have a CAMEL TOE and no one told me??!! Well, now there's a product for that. One word: EWWWWW.

******************************************************************************


3. HAIRY LEGGINGS   

Photo courtesy of chinasmack.com

This is a real thing, y'all. It started, I think, in China as an anti-pervert device for women and girls. Personally, I think it would work wonderfully. Unless, of course, the pervert is in to monkeys. Or the burly lumberjack look. Then you're screwed.






*All "infomercial" products' photos are courtesy of AsSeenOnTV.com






















cuchini and hair leggings and fundies

Does Two On-Air Appearances Make You A Radio Personality? I Say YES!

Okay. So I wrote about my invitation to talk to Jason Walker @ Hits 96 Radio about his non-use of Twitter. Well, little did I know that he actually wanted it to become a thing. Like every week or two. Huh. I must not have made that big of ass out of myself after all. Next thing you know, they will want to hire me for a gazillion dollars and give me free tickets to every concert in a 100 mile radius. (Well, the good concerts, anyway.) Why, I'm practically a permanent personality! (Heavy sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell.) But I'm rambling. Again. So last Tuesday I went in to discuss his new status as Official Twitter-er. I also took the hubs and kid. I let him know that I updated his profile, made his page look pretty and gave him his new stats. He was only up a few followers, but while on air he begged and pleaded with the listeners to follow him to get me off his back. One actually did. Right then! That was pretty cool. Anyway, it didn't take nearly as long this time, but it was still a blast. He even had a name for it: Tabitha Twitter Tuesday. Which I am absolutely positive will totally never catch on. So, for your viewing and listening pleasure, I present my very second visit to the radio station in pictures and an audio clip. Enjoy!


P.S. I know I sound like a total goober, and I'm trying to be okay with that.

P.P.S. The pictures aren't great because Maddie, the budding photographer, screwed with the settings on the camera. You get the idea, though.

P.P.P.S. I didn't realize how chunky I've gotten until I saw my heifer self in all my glory... I'm definitely NOT okay with that!

I'm sure I was saying something funny and charming....

Not sure what kind of pose I was striking, but it's RADIO, people. Not TV.



One of the only times I can remember where my kid was impressed with me.
(Usually it's Daddy.)

Maddie, Me, and the Radio God himself, Jason Walker
 

Tabitha Twitter Tuesday # 1

 

Down On The Farm

 Old McCrow had a farm. E - I -E - I - O. And on that farm she had a.....

Bunch of vegetables. (Even though they are super-fast growing ones.)  I know, not quite as captivating as a mooing cow or quacking duck. I haven't posted anything about my garden in a while, so here's some new pictures. Of course, they were taken about 2 weeks ago, so everything is much bigger. Also, I've been able to get several large squash and zucchini (is the plural "squashes" and "zucchinis"? That looks/sounds funny...) and a few cucumbers. I ended up with about 15 hot pepper plants and no bell peppers, so anyone like hot peppers???

FIRST PICKED VEGGIE OF THE SEASON. (P.S. It was delicious!)