An Open Letter to My Brain

Dear Brain,
Oh how I love you. You are so fast and are able to provide me with even the most difficult crossword clues. You are quick to retort something funny or sarcastic. There are so many reasons why I love you... But.

I understand that you are busy making and replenishing cells. I also get that your neurons are firing all. The. Time. I get it. You're busy. Well, so am I. When I lay down at night, that is your cue to shut the hell up. I shouldn't have to put you to sleep with tranquilizers or anti-anxiety medication. You should be so worn out from working hard all day that you WANT to take some time off. After all, you do help me slog through 5 classes and have to remember a shit ton of stuff so I can pass tests. (Thanks for that.)

There are other things you do throughout the day, too. Like keep a running grocery list. And remembering to pick up Maddie at school. You do important shit. But I believe that in order to keep functioning at our current level, you are going to have to LET ME GET SOME SLEEP. Don't keep waking me up every 2 hours to tell me something new. Just wait until morning. Also, if we could, I don't know, maybe sleep more than 4.5 hours a night that would be great.

I appreciate all you do for me. You work so hard maintaining your gray matter and keeping that white matter spongy. You deserve some time off. So for feck's sake, please let me sleep tonight.

Yours always,
The Rest Of You

There I Was, Just Minding My Own Business.....

...having my dreams of Adam Levine and peanut butter PopTarts, when BAM! Out of the blue <insert horribly disgusting sounds of kid barfing>. I know there is nothing I love more than being woken from a dead sleep to puke in my bed. Except maybe going around again on the vomit comet 30 minutes later after the sheets have been changed and everyone settled back down. So, yeah. Starting off the day at 4 a.m. to a sick kid isn't great. But you know what's even less great? Starting off the day before school starts with vomit. We are supposed to go register for 1st grade and meet her teacher at 4 p.m. today. I seriously hope she's feeling better by then.

OH! And THEN you know what happened? An hour or so after the last visit from "The Exorcist" (ya know. The whole projectile vomiting thing? Anyway..) guess who else starts to feel a rumbly in their tummy? If you said me, then you're right. You win eleventy bajillion dollars. The check's in the mail...

So, here I am. Five-o-freakin'-clock in the morning. My last day to "sleep in" until 7 a.m. and I've been up almost 2 hours already. Maddie is settled in snugly beside her daddy sound asleep. And me? Well, the tummy is still rumbly and there are some urgent issues there, but no vomit.

Yet.

It's 5 A.M. ..... I Repeat.... IT'S-5-FREAKING-A.M. (and I'm awake)

It’s 5:22 a.m. As in, 5 o’clock in. the. freaking. morning. I’ve been to bed 3 times, and 3 times I’ve gotten back up because my mother effing brain will not shut the hell up. It could have something to do with my first radio appearance later today. Or maybe the Sudafed I had to break down and take at 9:00 last night. So between the nerves and the meth, I’m wide a-frickin’-wake. And have been all night long. I should have put that time to good use. The dishes need washing, the bathroom could use a cleaning, and the dog needs a bath. Did I do any of those semi-productive things? Hell, no, thankyouverymuch. What did I do, you ask? Well, I watched some of my Big Bang Theory episodes. Oh, and I’m writing this blog post. Hmmm…. What else? Ummmm…I ate a spoonful of peanut butter? FYI, that stuff gives you wicked heartburn. So, great. In addition to being a neurotic insomniac, I also get to have acid indigestion. Isn't life grand? (*I know, I know. Pity party of one, right this way please.*)

Wanna know some of the things that have been shooting my overactive cerebellum in the last several hours? Okey dokey. Just remember: You asked for it.

            -I wonder if Mom found out how much a used Kindle is for me

            -How do you make those dots and that squiggle line over letters? Like in "uber", for example.

            -The new song “Blurred Lines” is this year’s “Call Me Maybe”. I can’t get away from it. And I never realized how some of it sounds like Fat Albert. (*HeyHeyHey*)

            -How many calories can you burn just by your mind racing?

            -Hmmm… I wonder if my lives on Candy Crush have regenerated yet? (They had, but now they are gone again. This game is like crack.)

            -I totally hope I don’t make a colossal ass out of myself on the radio tomorrow. Well, today.

            -The new catch phrase I came up with the other day hasn’t caught on. (*BTW, it’s: I don’t give 2 dead cats... For example: I don’t give 2 dead cats that my hair is nappy.)

            -I’m super excited that the season premier of Big Brother comes on tonight. Although, since I am apparently not sleeping at all I will probably be in a coma when it comes on.

            -How much is Botox?

            -Gotta remember to check the web tomorrow to see what classes to enroll in for the fall. (*I’m going back to school to study Criminology. So I can poke at dead people.*)

            -Wonder if I can find a ThighMaster on Craigslist? Well, on second thought, a used ThighMaster is kinda gross.

            -Wonder how much a *new* ThighMaster costs?

            -Jeez it’s crowded in here. (*All the voices say as one*)

Alrighty, it’s about time to get ready for work. Aaaaaaand, NOW I’m sleepy. Crap.

One Of Those Days....

Ever have "one of those days" where you wake up pissy for no apparent reason? And then you get out of bed and it all goes downhill from there? Yeah. Today is like that. I've been having headaches. Not just annoying-grab-some-Excedrin headaches but the "bitch-I-will-stab-you-in-the-eye-and-then-laugh-about-it" kind. So these headaches have been an everyday occurrence for about a week and a half. Every. Frickin'. Day.Yesterday was no exception, so after crawling through the day at work I finally got home. I laid in the recliner for about an hour until I gave up and went to bed. I actually took a nap, y'all. I don't know how long it's been since I took an honest to God full fledged nap. Years, probably. But nap I did. For about an hour. When I woke up, the troll was still thumping in my brain but not as loudly. I managed to fix dinner (it was just hot dogs, so no *real* cooking involved) and spend a little time with the hubs and the kid. At 10:00 I declared myself ready for bed. This in itself is an aberration. I usually don't retire until around midnight because I know I only sleep for a couple of hours before I pop awake. But last night I went to bed at 10:30 and slept like the dead until 7:00 this morning. Here's the thing: I AM STILL TIRED. What. The. Hell?! I had the most (consecutive) sleep I've had in, oh, I don't know, about 10 years and I can barely function today. I've had my morning coke (the drinking kind, not the sniffing kind) AND an energy shot. I still feel like I could lay my head down on my table and drift off to dreamland. Well, if I shove my keyboard outta my way, but still. What is wrong with me???? Any suggestions on how NOT to be.... I dunno.... like this?



Or like this?



Me. Without the green skin and craving for brains.

Help?