Warm Bodies Need A Safe Haven, Not A Broken City, To Call Mama

So last weekend, while the hubs was on a shoot in West Virgina, I had a movie marathon. Let me just say first that REDBOX IS AWESOME. Where else can you find 2 hours of -maybe- entertainment for just $1? One. Dollar. Nowhere, that's where. Anyway... So I go to Redbox and peruse the selection. Lo and behold, all of the new releases are in! Yay me! My taste in films runs the gamut. I don't really have a "type"... well, unless it's horror. Or action. I had heard Warm Bodies was good so I got it. I also got the Nicholas Sparks Safe Haven (even though in most of his movies someone dies), Broken City with hunkalicious Marky Mark, and the "scary" movie Mama. Here is my synopsis and critique of the above.

Warm Bodies:  4 out of 5 brains
     Recap: This was not a typical zombie flick. The story follows "R" (the dead don't remember their names) and his pack of airport dwelling flesh-eaters. Apparently if you eat someone's brain, you get their memories. There is a city of survivors and a gang of them go out scavenging for supplies. Pack of zombies descend upon human scavengers. Chaos ensues. "R" sees the girl and has some sort of epiphany. He keeps her safe and returns her to the city. Along the way he gets a little more human and falls in love with her. Other stuff happens. Zombies die. (Can the dead die? We'll save that existential dilemma for another time.) Humans die. Father/daughter relationships grow. Humans and zombies unite to fight a common enemy. Happy times for all. The End.
     Pros: I love zombies. I mean really love them.    
     Cons: John Malkovich, bony zombies that look like the ones from I Am Legend, hoarder zombies.

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Safe Haven:    3 out of 5 Nicholas Sparks books
     Recap: Miss Ex-Ryan Seacrest leaves her abusive man. He's a cop. Full stage-5 clinging ensues. He uses all of his cop powers to find her so he can drag her back home. She hops a bus and decides to stay in this piss ant tiny beach town. Enter the sexy and sad widower. She makes nice with his kids then worms in to his life. Sexual tension, secrets and stalking. She gets to be a heroine, "find" herself and fall in love.
     Pros: Two words. Josh Duhamel. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmmm! He'll never win an Oscar, but he's so pretty he really doesn't have to "act". ;)
     Cons: It's a pretty typical story. It reminded me a lot of Sleeping With The Enemy except she didn't fake her own death. It's worth watching, especially if you are reallllllly into chick flicks. Even if you're not, it's worth seeing a shirtless Josh Duhamel.

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Broken City:    2 out of 5 Criminals
     Recap:  Marky Mark is a cop who has to resign due to a sketchy shoot-out that leaves a thug dead. Now he's a PI. Sketchy mayor hires him to get proof of spousal infidelity. Russel Crowe is the shady mayor. In my opinion, he hasn't done anything really good since Gladiator. Anyway, two hours of backdoor double crossing and trying to find out who is actually the bad guy (really they are all kinda douchey) later, it goes off.
     Pros: Marky Mark Wahlberg. 'Nuff said.
     Cons: It's slow. And dark. And predictable. It tries to be a John Grisham, but just isn't.

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Mama:   4 out of 5 Creeptacular Kids
     Recap: Two young girls (8 and 2 I think) are left in a decrepit cabin deep in the woods. Five years later they are found and returned to their uncle and his rocker girlfriend. The kids are basically rabid, feral cat-like creatures who grunt and shriek instead of talk.(The older one is able to adjust quicker because she remembers her old life.) No one can believe they survived. Turns out this crazy lady escaped from the local loony bin a hundred years ago and her whacked-out ghost has been watching over the girls. Well, when the girls go live with the uncle, Mama isn't happy. And you know what they say.... "When Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy". Least of all the rocker chick who never wanted kids to begin with. Weird shit happens and that youngest kid? CREEEEEE-PY! She pops up all ninja-like, scampers like a jacked up dog, and giggles at the walls. It's apparent something otherworldly is going on. They just have to figure out how to get rid of a  whack-a-doodle ghost with murderous tendencies.
     Pros: I love, Love, LOVE being creeped out. That littlest kid? Nightmares, I tell ya. Also, there is a surprise twist at the end.
     Cons: Some slow moving in the beginning. Plus, not nearly enough people getting slaughtered.

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So, there ya have it. I may or may not review any other movies I've seen. Depends on if I'm coming up blank for a post. I mean.... Depends on... ahhh, whatever. I can't think of a legitimate reason.

In Honor Of Flag Day, I Bring You These...

If I had a house flag, it would be awesome. Here are some examples of what may be flying high at the ole homestead.

Unicorns at *my* house shit sunshine and rainbows

Zombie Apocalypse Ready



Yeah, bitches. I'm Irish. Sort of.



What proud freak flag would you fly at your house?




One Of Those Days....

Ever have "one of those days" where you wake up pissy for no apparent reason? And then you get out of bed and it all goes downhill from there? Yeah. Today is like that. I've been having headaches. Not just annoying-grab-some-Excedrin headaches but the "bitch-I-will-stab-you-in-the-eye-and-then-laugh-about-it" kind. So these headaches have been an everyday occurrence for about a week and a half. Every. Frickin'. Day.Yesterday was no exception, so after crawling through the day at work I finally got home. I laid in the recliner for about an hour until I gave up and went to bed. I actually took a nap, y'all. I don't know how long it's been since I took an honest to God full fledged nap. Years, probably. But nap I did. For about an hour. When I woke up, the troll was still thumping in my brain but not as loudly. I managed to fix dinner (it was just hot dogs, so no *real* cooking involved) and spend a little time with the hubs and the kid. At 10:00 I declared myself ready for bed. This in itself is an aberration. I usually don't retire until around midnight because I know I only sleep for a couple of hours before I pop awake. But last night I went to bed at 10:30 and slept like the dead until 7:00 this morning. Here's the thing: I AM STILL TIRED. What. The. Hell?! I had the most (consecutive) sleep I've had in, oh, I don't know, about 10 years and I can barely function today. I've had my morning coke (the drinking kind, not the sniffing kind) AND an energy shot. I still feel like I could lay my head down on my table and drift off to dreamland. Well, if I shove my keyboard outta my way, but still. What is wrong with me???? Any suggestions on how NOT to be.... I dunno.... like this?



Or like this?



Me. Without the green skin and craving for brains.

Help?

Zombies, Lepre-trolls and Snoopy-cabras

There are all kinds of magical creatures. Some are awesome, like vampires and fairies. Some are not so awesome, like werewolves and zombies. There are some, though, that it really depends on what mood they are in whether they are awesome or not. For example, Death. I don't mean hooded-scary-dude-with-a-sharp-ass-scythe-breathing-Dementor-breath-down-your-neck Death. I mean "Meet Joe Black" Death. Or Sprites. They are deceptively cute but play terrible pranks.

Or Lepretrolls. What are Lepretrolls, you ask? Well, they are the happy-ish things that live under my bed. Ordinarily they are quiet, unobtrusive tiny trolls that don't bother anyone. They are content to spend their days hording mismatched socks and the ONE stuffed animal my kid just NEEDS but can't find. Chances are, if you are missing things you have Lepretrolls, too.

Anyway, they generally keep to themselves and don't make a nuisance of themselves. Until nighttime. Then, by golly, you'd better watch out. You can't leave anything hanging over the side of the bed or they. will. bite. you. Be it hand, foot, or head. When the lights go out and the house gets quiet, that's when they get ready to spring into action.

Ok. So, the CDC, the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, has an emergency preparedness kit that they think we all need. Let me preface this by saying this is the same CDC that is government funded. So basically, our tax dollars at work, people. What kind of kit, you may be asking? Well, I'm here to tell you.... It's a freaking ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE KIT. From the CDC! Really??!! Don't believe me? Well, naysayers, follow this link.

They say if you are prepared for when (not if) zombies attack you will be prepared for tornadoes, hurricanes, etc. And I totally get that. But zombies? Really?? The freaking IRS is being investigated and yet the government still has time *and resources* to put together zombie survival kits? Am I the only one that sees something very, very wrong with this?

*Side note: I have a terrible time sleeping when the husband is out of town. A couple of weeks ago I had awful zombie nightmares. (I know, it couldn't possibly have anything to do with watching a Walking Dead marathon. And a Resident Evil marathon.) Anyway, in our bedroom we have attic access above a built in bookshelf. So, I put together a "go" bag for me, the hubs and the kid. It just has a change of clothes, toothbrushes, flashlight, a couple of bottles of water and a Big Frickin' Knife. And I've already decided that Oscar (my cute little doggy) would probably bark and give away our location so I will have to kill him before we climb up and hide. I guess breaking his neck would be the quickest and most humane way.

Ummm..... okay. Reading this now, I believe I *may* have put a little too much thought into this whole thing. But then again, I probably won't get eaten by zombies, either.

As for Snoopy-cabras, you can check out the story here.