Down On The Farm

 Old McCrow had a farm. E - I -E - I - O. And on that farm she had a.....

Bunch of vegetables. (Even though they are super-fast growing ones.)  I know, not quite as captivating as a mooing cow or quacking duck. I haven't posted anything about my garden in a while, so here's some new pictures. Of course, they were taken about 2 weeks ago, so everything is much bigger. Also, I've been able to get several large squash and zucchini (is the plural "squashes" and "zucchinis"? That looks/sounds funny...) and a few cucumbers. I ended up with about 15 hot pepper plants and no bell peppers, so anyone like hot peppers???

FIRST PICKED VEGGIE OF THE SEASON. (P.S. It was delicious!)

 

The Little Bunny Foo Foo Dichotomy

The other day I was just sitting in my recliner, playing on the computer, and minding my own business. When, out of the corner of my eye, I see a fat little mouse/chipmunk/whatever mosey across my kitchen floor. Yep. Mosey. Not scurry, scamper nor run. It took its ever-loving sweet time. Well, since I am vehemently opposed to all creatures in my house, save my Oscar, I immediately hopped up and drove to the store and purchased a mouse-catching hotel. It's way easier and cleaner than a traditional trap.

Mice Motel. Free breakfast and HBO.

No fuss, no muss. Just bait it, set it and forget it. The best part? No fingers are harmed in the setting of this trap. Soooo.... Anyway, I buy this thing, go back home, bait it with peanut butter (?? I thought they loved cheese..) and scoot it to a dark corner of the kitchen. It sat there for days with nary a whisper. I started thinking that maybe I imagined the whole episode. Then I had a dream (possibly) that the same cute little mouse (or whatever) was standing on its hind legs walking around the kitchen while wearing a frilly blue apron.

Soooo..... to tie this in to Bunny Foo Foo.... The song goes:

"Little Bunny Foo Foo walking through the forest, scooping up field mice and boppin' 'em on the head..."

Sorta twisted, now that I think about it. Anyway, if BFF (Bunny Foo Foo, not best friends forever. Just in case you were confused.) were around, he could take care of my little mouse. He could just scoop him right up, bop him on the head, and they both could be on their merry little ways.

But noooooo. Instead of ridding my house of field mice, he and his cohorts think my garden is an all-you-can-eat-buffet. Those little rabbity shits are eating all the effing green beans in my garden. The cute little fluffy Thumpers, who I once thought A-dorable, are my worst freaking nemesis now. If I knew how to shoot a gun, I'd be sitting garden-side, lying in wait like Elmer Freakin' Fudd. Now, I normally don't want anything to do with hunting, or shooting, or critters in general. But these little shits are really starting to piss me off. I've had to replant the damn green beans three times. Three. Times. That is a honkin' lot of hoeing. (And  I'm waaaaay past my hoing days. See what I did there? Hoe/Ho? HAHAHA! I crack me up...)

Three times I've replanted the beans. After I tried three different methods to discourage the munching of the vegetables. First, I tried spreading hair around the outside edges. Then I went to spraying this noxious concoction of vinegar and cayenne pepper, which apparently only seasoned them for the thieves. Next, I went with scattering moth balls all throughout the plants. This only resulted in the whole garden smelling like grandma's attic. Finally, with nothing left to do, I had to put up a stinkin' fence. Now I have to hurdle over the damn thing just to weed the beans. (I have to hold my crotch while hurdling the fence because, yeah, it HURTS to be poked in the vag with chicken wire. Just FYI. You're welcome.)

So, to make a long story longer, I finally have beans growing. My garden looks like rednecks hopped up on meth decorated it, but I will have my green beans. The damn things better be worth it...

Aaaaaaaaaaand, The Winner Is........

Is there an award for being the best farmer? Although, not a real farmer. Maybe best gardener? But not the flower kind. Hmmm... the Perfect Planter award? Greatest Grower? Handiest Horticulturist? Awesomest Agriculturist? Whatever. Anyway... So last week I planted my garden. And then yesterday I posted an update. Well I went back over there yesterday evening to do some hoeing (with an actual hoe, not in a prostitute-y sort of way) and oh. emm. gee! It is AH-MAZING what happens in a 24 hour period! Where Tuesday I had a few sprouts emerging and Wednesday I had even more sprouts and some actual *growth*, yesterday's find was ca-razy! What? Of course I have pictures. See the complete coolness for yourselves.



I might have decided that either:

     1.) I have used fertilizer with some mutant properties, or

     2.) My seeds were imbibed with growth hormones from God Himself, or

     3.) I have planted my garden over dead things, or (and most likely)

     4.) I am the world's best freakin' planter and grower of stuff.

So, the answer is ME. I am the winner of the Best, Greatest, Awesomest Grower Of Stuff.

Now go out and vote!

**P.S. I put cages around my tomatoes. All 37 of them. And DAMN, that's hard work! Here's the finished product:



Only 24 Hours Have Elapsed

Dude. My father-in-law called on Tuesday and said I had sprouts in my garden. So of course I rushed right over to take their picture.

So yesterday I went back over there to do something ( I forget now what it was. Oh. Blow up a pool float for Maddie using his air compressor) and I went down to check on my garden. In a word? Holycrapoly. In less than 24 hours, the green beans and okra shot up! It's so cool to see everything grow. I'm sure I'll be bitching about having to weed it and water it and pick it, but right now? So. Freakin'. Cool.

24 Hours Later

Wonder what it will look like today?



In The Garden

So yesterday I spent 4 hot, sweaty, buggy, backbreaking hours planting my garden. I don't have the space at my house, but luckily for me my in-laws live a mile away and have several acres. My father-in-law has always gardened and last year he taught me how. This year he says (yeah, right) that he is just gonna sit on the sidelines and let me do it all by myself. Yeahhhhh.... That didn't even last like 5 whole minutes. Don't get me wrong, I totally ADORE my in-laws. In some ways they are awesome-er than my own parents. FIL and I bump heads because we are so much alike (totally NOT stubborn or opionated!). Anyway, he and the husband plowed and tilled it and I, for the most part, planted it. Here's what I (we) planted:

Green Beans
Cucumbers
Butternut Squash
Squash
Zucchini
Peppers (Bell, Jalapeno, and Banana)
Tomatoes (like 40 friggin' plants!!)
Okra
Potatoes
Canteloupe
Watermelon
Onion (Yellow and White)
Corn (Yellow and Hybrid)

Now, go back a couple of weeks. In preparation for gardening time, I have been laying in the tanning bed for a few minutes a couple of times a week to get a base tan (because usually, I'm pastier than a vampire Casper). I have been prepping my pasty skin for its coming-out-of-hibernation. Yesterday, I was all cocky.
"Ohhh. Look at me! I'm all brown now. I won't burn. Pfffftt... Who needs sunscreen?" The answer? Ummm, I do. Even though I had my brown on I got. freakin'. roasted! My back and shoulders look like I let Maddie color on me with fuschia marker. Worst part? I was wearing a criss-cross bathing suit top so now I have this huge-ass white *X* on my back.

Yeahhh.... I'm rockin' that brown now, baby!

*P.S. Pictures of said garden to come


***Update: 5/23/13