This Will Be The Most Rambling And Convoluted Post Ever So Feel Free To Skip It If You Want To (But I Wouldn't)

Wow. What a ca-razy several weeks! Lemme see if I can recap without boring your brain or losing your attention.

So it's been a month since I posted. Well, let me tell you, I feel plenty guilty about that, but apparently not guilty enough to do anything about it before now. As you may or may not know, we are moving to Houston closer to the end of the year. It seems.... real now, somehow. But first....

Around September 11th I started feeling that wonky feeling. You know the one you get in the back of your throat when you are about to get sick? Yeah, that one. Anyway, that evening I started feeling bad. By the weekend I felt like crap. Not just regular crap, either. The kind of crap that was stepped in, scraped off and stepped in again. I just HAD to start feeling better, though. Monday the 16th was going to be a special day. I had a VIP seat to see the luscious and yummy Adam Levine (and the rest of those Maroon 5 guys) in Atlanta. I had gotten the ticket ($300!!) in May. It was a Mother's Day/birthday/Christmas present from the hubs. I had been counting down for months! Monday rolled around and I couldn't even muster the energy to take a shower much less ride over 2 hours and then sit through about a 4 hour long concert. My ticket was wasted. I cried and cried. There went my chance to be Adam's love slave. Oh, well. I figure after the new wore off I'd be bored anyway...

So, here it is the 16th and I still feel funky as ever. After missing work the previous Thursday and Friday, I skipped work today, too. I got a doctor appointment for Wednesday. Oh, and did I mention I had broken out in some weird boils/pox/blisters? No? Hmmm... Well, I did. All over my face, back and chest. I looked like I had leprosy. It was worse than chicken pox because these suckers were almost open wounds and they H-U-R-T.

Wednesday rolls around and I head to the doctor. She thinks it's a viral infection and loads me up with an antibiotic, an antiviral, some low grade pain meds and a goo to put on the boils. I thought for sure I'd start feeling better soon....

Bahahahahahaha! (That's Life, laughing at me.) By now it's Thursday the 19th. Happy frickin' birthday to me. I wake up to my wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles and toes stiff. Also, my feet are so swollen I couldn't even get my flip flop between my toes. Needless to say it was hard to get around for several days.

By the beginning of the next week my feet, particularly my left, was still so swollen. At one point my poor toes were turning blue. I ended up going to the emergency room. After a perfunctory exam and a chest x-ray they declared yes, it was viral. Oh, and we don't treat viruses. So basically I hung out at the hospital for hours only to be told to go home. I ended up stopping the previous medication, and when I did, the swelling went down. Finally!

So that brings us up to this week. Terry left Tuesday for Texas. (Say that 3 times fast!) He won't be back until Thanksgiving. This will be the longest we've spent apart in about 13 years. Monday night Maddie was distraught. She really didn't have any idea about exactly how long it would be before she saw her Daddy again. But, like the brave little trooper she is, she got up Tuesday morning and got on the bus dry-eyed. She and I had a good snuggle and cry that night, though.

Wednesday I began my temporary journey as a single parent. If this week is any indication, I'm pretty much gonna suck at it. It will either make mine and Maddie's relationship stronger or one of us will kill the other. It will also either make me more responsible, or I may just give in and give up all together (not really).

Now you're up to date. She has been doing well in school. Well, better since Miss Smith had a come-to-Jesus talk with a couple of bratty boys who were teasing and tormenting her. I've been doing well in school, too. Well.... except I'm pretty sure my Criminal Justice professor is a hard-ass and I'm gonna fail his stupid class. Other than that, though...

So here it is a beautiful Saturday. I alternate between piddling on the computer and packing some of our nonessential stuff. I'm out of boxes, though, so I may have to make a run to the liquor store.

For BOXES!

But.... since I'll already be there.............

The One In Which I Pack Up All Our Stuff And Haul It To.......

Texas.

Yee haw, y'all. I'm gonna be a real cowgirl. Probably not, but I will have to adapt. It is official. Today, Terry accepted the Photographic Manager position that he flew out to interview for last week. We're moving to Houston.

Know anything about Houston? Lemme just tell ya.

1. It's hot. And nooooo not a dry heat either. Houston is only about 70 miles from the Gulf, so it's just as frickin' humid there as it is here.

2. Nothing but dirt and cowboys grow in Texas. I guess no garden next year.

3. It's the 4th largest city in all of the US. Which, I assume, means it's really, really crowded.

4. They have three bypasses. THREE.

5. Their highways are toll roads.

6.It is almost a thousand miles away from all that I know.

7. Drive time will be about 12 hours. That's practically a whole day. Yeah, I'm looking forward to spending 12 hours listening to Maddie ask "Are we there yet?".

8. (This one probably should have been on up the list, but it's not a list of priorities, people. Geez. Stop judging. I'm having a moment here.) Terry will be leaving to head out there at the end of the month. Which means.... I'll basically be a single parent. For almost three months. To a small, stubborn(er), teenaged attituded up me.

9. I don't know anyone in Texas. Except maybe George Bush. And I know Jenny (aka The Bloggess) lives somewhere in Texas. Maybe one of them will invite me over so I can know someone besides Terry and Maddie in the whole freaking state.

10. (This one is totally selfish and makes me a horrible person and generally crappy mom) When Maddie gets on my last nerve, and she will (probably before the end of the first week), I don't have any unsuspecting grandparents to pawn her off on.

Finally, after all that, just the logistics of the whole thing makes me want to hyperventilate and hide in a dark closet with my pillow. Living arrangements, car, school, utilities, familiarizing myself with the surroundings. That's one of the big ones. My sense of direction is..... we'll say "lacking". As in, lacking thereof. I purdy much a'int got nary'n. (I'm trying to learn the language. I may be terrified, but that's no reason to slack off...)

Plus, I don't know if the state can handle my awesomeness. Especially with the aforementioned people I know in the same state. I mean, really. I come fully equipped with quick wit, snark and general badassery.

Oh, OH! AND I don't even own a cowboy hat. Or cowboy boots, for that matter. Ooooooohhhhh.... maybe this means I can go buy some! I haven't been shoe shopping in ages. Well, unless you count getting Maddie's school shoes, and since I didn't get anything I totally do NOT count it.

Seriously, though. I feel like the night before school starts. I wonder if I will make any friends. I wonder if they'll like me. I worry that Maddie will hate the new school we put her in. I worry if they'll be mean to her. What if we get out there and something happens? We can't just hop in the car and come back "home". And we damn sure don't have the cash to spend on plane tickets. I know I'm probably over analyzing everything, but I have OCD and I am strongly anti-change.

Ohmigod, y'all. I just realized something. Houston isn't far from the gulf. Where there are sharks. Texas is in tornado alley. Where there are tornadoes.

Get where I'm going with that?? Just my luck and we'll get a mother honkin' SHARKNADO! Which might be entertaining, as long as I stay inside.

For real, though. As much whining, bitching and moaning I've done, and the lots more that I still have to do before we leave, I have absolute faith in my husband. I know deep down this is what he needs and what is best for our family. Everything has fallen into place too easily for this not to be thIe right thing.

So. It won't be too long before I will be an official Houstonite. Wait. Houstonian? Houstoner? Whatever. I'm sure they'll let me know when they initiate me into the state.


P.S. Keep this on the down low, 'kay? We haven't told Maddie yet. Or most of our family. So, shhhhhhhhhh.


P.P.S. Just so you'll know how neurotic I am....

*When this move was initially proposed, I did what anyone would do. I Googled Houston. One of the sites had stats and stuff (read: boring, so I didn't read it) and one thing it mentioned was that Houston was in Harris County. My mind frantically started thinking of where I had heard that. Oh. My. God. That's where Leatherface is from!! Ho-ly crap! We're gonna move there and be murdered in our sleep. So I Google mapped and realized Leatherface lives in TRAVIS County. Whew. What a relief! Oh, but wait. NOW I remember when I've heard Harris County before. They film "The First 48" in Harris County Texas. For those of you who don't know what "The First 48" is, well, it's a real-life-follow-detectives-around-to-try-to-catch-murderes TV show on A&E.

Well, hell. Looks like we'll be murdered after all.












 

Texts to Terry

Below are some of Terry's favorite texts he has gotten from me. They are mostly out of the blue, with no conversation about any of them. Enjoy!


Hey, do you have any brass knuckles?

Oscar (my dog) snores like a lumberjack. He's a lumberjackrussel! HA! I crack me up! (He's part Jack Russel Terrier)

I think llamas would look funny wearing glasses.

Did you get dead??

Dude. Seriously! Are you dead??

Rarrrrrrr!

I think I just saw Dave Hester (from Storage Wars). Might have just been a guy with glasses in a YUUUUUUP hat. Or maybe just a black hat. Could've been a chick...

Will you ask Siri when Gangster Squad comes out on DVD? (He replied that she didn't know) Well, she's a dumb bitch. Will you tell Siri she's a dumb bitch?

Our freakin' DVD player is possessed by a swarm of pissed off bees!

That massage table (HydroMassage, at the gym) almost gave me an orgasm. It's like a million heated tiny furious fists pounding me in all the good spots!

Ummmm.... Maddie just yelled, from her bedroom, "Clean up on aisle 8!".

Right now, I would give, ahem *someone's* left ball for a cupcake.

"God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round and just laughed and laughed."

Insomnia threw a party at my last night. Invited were Black Lung, Snot McMucas, Head Ache, Throat Onfire, Sinus Pressure & the mucinex guys.

Insomnia is my houseguest. Again. AND, it has serious "teenage girl" attitude. I said welcome back. It rolled its eyes and said "whatevs".

I can't sleep. But in my neuroses, I am worried about whether I am disturbing Oscar (my dog) who is currently under the covers at my feet. Snoring.

I'm fairly certain my head is trying to murder me. My head can be such. an. asshole.

You know when you wake up to the sound of a bear trying to get in your house but then realize it's the dog snoring? Exactly.

Me (in the middle of the night): I just heard a noise
Him: What did it sound like?
Me: A scream.
Him: Did Maddie scream?
Me: No...
Him: Was it Oscar howling in his sleep?
Me: No.....
Him: Were you dreaming?
Me: Maybe..... It was probably the *Snoopy-cabra that lives in the woods.
Him: Yes, honey. I'm sure that's what it was. The Snoopy-cabra.
Him: It could've been a bobcat.
Me: WTF??? We HAVE those?????
*Backstory on Snoopy-cabra: On another night I heard something outside our bedroom window. It sounded just like I imagine a Chupacabra would sound if it was being attacked by aliens and eaten by a sasquatch. After waking Terry up to investigate the noise, he bravely goes outside with a flashlight and a BB gun. In his underwear. He comes back in and says it was a dog. A frickin' BEAGLE was making that noise. I didn't know what a Beagle was so he said, "Ya know. Like Snoopy." Yes. Yes I am a dumbass.