Help! I've fallen... AND dropped my grapes!

You know that Life Alert commercial with the older lady rinsing something in the kitchen? Well, she falls and lays in the floor for like 6 hours until her equally as old neighbor comes to the rescue.

So, to set the scene: The TV is on but it's really just background noise. Maddie is playing in the floor at my feet while I am doing a crossword puzzle. The commercial comes on then goes off. I didn't think anything about it. It's been on dozens of times before. Maddie gets up to retrieve something from her room. She pauses in the doorway, turns to me and says, "Mommy? Know what? I feel sorry for those grapes. Because you KNOW how much I loooove grapes!" And then she flounces off. Ok, ummm. WHAT? It took me a minute, but I finally got it. Whatever the lady was rinsing fell and scattered when she fell. Maddie thought they looked like grapes, apparently. So, my mini-me, completely lacking in empathy, felt sorry for. the. GRAPES. The lady? Ah, she'd be okay. But the grapes?? Now THAT was a waste! They just had to lay there on the floor when they couldv'e been being eaten!!

God that kid cracks me up!

Welcome to my blog!

Hello, world. After months of scouring the internet for funny and interesting blogs to read I decided to have my own. Even if no one reads this, I will be able to chronicle all the boring/funny/weird stuff that makes up my life. I thought I would do a brief background for my first post but then I thought, "Nah. Who wants to read that? If *I* don't want to, no one else will either." So, for my first post I thought I would tell you about a conversation I had with my 6 year old daughter the other day.

Maddie: Mommy, today on the playground me and my friends were playing in the dirt.

Me: (Silent, but I'm cringing internally. She definitely did NOT get my aversion to all things gross)

Maddie: We were pretending it was pixie dust. Then, "Brayden" and "Paul" came over and messed it all up! The kicked our dirt!!

Me: (trying to look reasonably shocked) Well, was it an accident?

Maddie: NO! They did it on purpose! And THEN they called us a...a.... POOPYHEAD! Then they ran off laughing.

Now at this point, her little face has fallen and she is verging on distraught. I'm wracking my brain to come up with an appropriate response. I mean, after all, it's just dirt... I mean "pixie dust".

I suddenly think of that movie "He's Just Not That Into You". You know, the opening scene where the little girl is on the playground and the little boy pulls her hair or pushes her down or something. She runs over crying to her mom to tell her all about it. Then the mother says, "Oh, honey. Don't you know what that means? That means he LIKES you!", and kisses her boo boos and sends her on her way.

Ummmm..... what?? So that scene is playing in my head. Yes, it probably DOES mean the little boys like my daughter and her friends (because, HELLO! She. Is. Awesome!) but do I really want to start her off thinking she needs to be treated like crap by boys to be shown love? HELL NO!

The scene plays out in my mind: Maddie, 20 years from now, engaged or married to the biggest douche canoe out there. He treats her like a servant and may or may not be physically abusive. He talks down to her, makes her feel "less than", and controls every thought in her head. Worse, she's okay with it because I didn't tell her when she was 6 that if someone is mean or degrading to you they don't deserve to be in your life.

So, for the 7 seconds it took me to get from the playground to saving my future daughter from an abusive marraige, I did the only reasonable thing.

Me: You want Mommy to kill them?